i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
