What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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