I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
