I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
