Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
