I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
where are you?
Hypothermia
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
