I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
