So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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