I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
