Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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