the condom got lost in my hair
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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