The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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