And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize