I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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