Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
