I faked an abortion last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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