guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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