Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
