i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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