I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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