i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
