Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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