Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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