She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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