omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
