I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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