Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
