Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
