I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
