You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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