omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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