We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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