He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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