Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
