You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
