At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
