I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
