hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
