I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
