Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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