the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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