You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
