She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
