Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
