May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
