You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
