Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
