You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
