she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
