Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
