I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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