Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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