We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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