I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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