Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
