Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
