That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
