Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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