I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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